One day a boy walked up to his dad and asked, "Dad whats the
difference between hypothetically and reality?" His father said, "Well
son I'll show you. Go over to your mother and ask her if she would
screw the guy across the street for $500,000." So, the kid goes and
asks his mom, and she tells him "Sure, I'd screw the guy across the
street for $500,000." The boy goes back to his dad and tells him this.
"OK son, go ask your sister the same question." So, the kid asks his
sister and she says she would screw the guy across the street for
$500,000. He goes back to his dad and says, "Hey dad, sis said she'd
screw the guy across the street for $500,000." His father goes, "There
you have it son: hypothetically we're millonaires, but in reality we
live with a pair of sluts.
To All Men Traveling the Airways
The Gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several
attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be
occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny,
taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his
"Sir", she said; "The ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if
you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he
agreed to her terms.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the
feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA",
and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR".
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit
there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW"
Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice
feeling came over him. The Men's restroom didn't have nice
things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button.
Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about,
gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do
when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the
A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of
spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room
was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving
He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did,
he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A
nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face...
"What happened?! How did I get here?! The last thing I
remember, I was in the ladies restroom on a flight to Atlanta!!!"
"You pushed one too many buttons.", replied the nurse, as her
smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an
Automatic Tampax Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he
notices a sign that reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10
MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives
on without another thought.
Soon, he sees another sign that says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he
pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with
a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs
the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers,
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." says the nun. He is led
through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun
stops at a closed door, and tells the man, to knock on this door.
Then she departs. He does as he is told and this door is answered
by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun
instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large
wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his
wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly
down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
THE HORSE AND THE RABBIT
A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche.
NOthing like stereotyping the genders even more......
A PERFECT DAY FOR:
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make Love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big Breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big
2:15 Enormous Lunch
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full hard on, get down, gorilla sex
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keep going and going ...
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condom: Betcha can't have just one.
Subject: Win some, lose some
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late
dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with
potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
-What's this?- he asks.
-Cojones, senor,- the waiter replies.
-What are cojones?- the man asks.
-Cojones,- the waiter explains, -are the testicles of the bull
who lost at the arena this afternoon.
At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he
decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite
delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again
the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the
plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
-What's this?- he asks the waiter.
-Cojones, senor,- the waiter replies.
-No, no,: the man objects, -I had cojones yesterday and they were
much bigger than these.
-Senor,- the waiter explains, -the bull does not lose every time.-
Un hombre va al doctor y este le dice que tiene solamente 12 horas de
vida. El pobre hombre se va a su casa y se lo comunica a la mujer, quien
le dice "querido, te voy a hacer sentir las mejores 12 horas de tu vida".
Entonces le cocina un manjar, tienen una hermosa velada romantica al la
luz de las velas, exquisito postre, etc. Despues van a la cama y hacen el
amor. Se duermen. Al ratito el se despierta, le toca suavemente el
hombro, ella se despierta y hacen el amor otra vez. Se duermen. Al ratito
el se despierta, le toca suavemente el hombro, ella se despierta y hacen
el amor por tercera vez. Se duermen. Al ratito el se despierta, le toca
suavemente el hombro, ella se despierta y hacen el amor otra vez. Se
duermen. Al ratito el se despierta, le toca suavemente el hombro y ella ya
despierta le dice: Parala queres, vos no tenes que levantarte temprano!!
Mesg from "Calvin Vu"
What's worse than getting your ass beaten up in the stock market ? It's
getting the other end taxed by the IRS at the same time. Yes, siiireeee.
This is the latest amendment to the IRS tax code:
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: Internal Revenue Service
Subject: Increased Tax Payment.
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed is your pecker. This is due to
the fact that 50% of the time it is just hanging around unemployed, 25% of
the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and only 5% of
the time it is employed, but on an in-and-out job which operates in a hole.
Furthermore, it has two dependents, and they are both nuts.
However, towards balancing the Federal budget, after March 1, 1996, your
pecker will be taxed based on its size, using the "Pecker Checker Scale"
table listed below. Determine your category and insert the additional
tax under "Other Things", page 3, Part V, line 16 of your standard income
Pecker Checker Scale
10-12 inches: Luxury Tax .............. $50.00
8-10 inches: Pole Tax .............. $25.00
6-8 inches: Relaxation Tax .............. $15.00
4-6 inches: Nuisance Tax .............. $5.00
1) Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a Federal refund because of his
difficult employment situation.
2) Please do not ask for an extension.
3) Males with peckers in excess of 12 inches should file under "Capital
Gains". If unsure of your correct category, call your local IRS office
and we will send out a peter meter reader.
Thanks for your cooperation in our effort to make the US a debt free nation.
If there are any questions regarding this rule, please call 1-800-SUCKERS.
We will have competent personnels available 24-hour a day to make you
satisfied, even for the hardest cases.
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