One day a boy walked up to his dad and asked, "Dad whats the

difference between hypothetically and reality?" His father said, "Well

son I'll show you. Go over to your mother and ask her if she would

screw the guy across the street for $500,000." So, the kid goes and

asks his mom, and she tells him "Sure, I'd screw the guy across the

street for $500,000." The boy goes back to his dad and tells him this.

"OK son, go ask your sister the same question." So, the kid asks his

sister and she says she would screw the guy across the street for

$500,000. He goes back to his dad and says, "Hey dad, sis said she'd

screw the guy across the street for $500,000." His father goes, "There

you have it son: hypothetically we're millonaires, but in reality we

live with a pair of sluts.

To All Men Traveling the Airways

The Gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several

attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be

occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny,

taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his

face.

"Sir", she said; "The ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if

you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he

agreed to her terms.

The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the

feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA",

and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR".

Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit

there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW"

button.

Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice

feeling came over him. The Men's restroom didn't have nice

things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button.

Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about,

gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do

when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the

"PP" button.

A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of

spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room

was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving

pleasure!

He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did,

he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

*****

He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A

nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face...

"What happened?! How did I get here?! The last thing I

remember, I was in the ladies restroom on a flight to Atlanta!!!"

"You pushed one too many buttons.", replied the nurse, as her

smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an

Automatic Tampax Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he

notices a sign that reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10

MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives

on without another thought.

Soon, he sees another sign that says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF

PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF

PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he

pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with

a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs

the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a

long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers,

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly

doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." says the nun. He is led

through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun

stops at a closed door, and tells the man, to knock on this door.

Then she departs. He does as he is told and this door is answered

by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun

instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large

wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his

wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly

down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking

lot facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

THE HORSE AND THE RABBIT

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche.

NOthing like stereotyping the genders even more......

A PERFECT DAY FOR:

HER:

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30

Llbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make Love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM

10:00 Wake up

10:02 Oral sex

10:10 Big Breakfast

11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big

hooters

2:15 Enormous Lunch

3:25 Play sports with the guys

4:30 Drink beer with the guys

6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer

6:40 Oral sex

6:50 Huge dinner, more beer

11:00 Full hard on, get down, gorilla sex

11:10 Sleep

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

EverReady Condoms: Keep going and going ...

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

Lays Condom: Betcha can't have just one.

Subject: Win some, lose some

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late

dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with

potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

-What's this?- he asks.

-Cojones, senor,- the waiter replies.

-What are cojones?- the man asks.

-Cojones,- the waiter explains, -are the testicles of the bull

who lost at the arena this afternoon.

At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he

decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite

delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again

the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the

plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

-What's this?- he asks the waiter.

-Cojones, senor,- the waiter replies.

-No, no,: the man objects, -I had cojones yesterday and they were

much bigger than these.

-Senor,- the waiter explains, -the bull does not lose every time.-

Un hombre va al doctor y este le dice que tiene solamente 12 horas de

vida. El pobre hombre se va a su casa y se lo comunica a la mujer, quien

le dice "querido, te voy a hacer sentir las mejores 12 horas de tu vida".

Entonces le cocina un manjar, tienen una hermosa velada romantica al la

luz de las velas, exquisito postre, etc. Despues van a la cama y hacen el

amor. Se duermen. Al ratito el se despierta, le toca suavemente el

hombro, ella se despierta y hacen el amor otra vez. Se duermen. Al ratito

el se despierta, le toca suavemente el hombro, ella se despierta y hacen

el amor por tercera vez. Se duermen. Al ratito el se despierta, le toca

suavemente el hombro, ella se despierta y hacen el amor otra vez. Se

duermen. Al ratito el se despierta, le toca suavemente el hombro y ella ya

despierta le dice: Parala queres, vos no tenes que levantarte temprano!!

Mesg from "Calvin Vu"

What's worse than getting your ass beaten up in the stock market ? It's

getting the other end taxed by the IRS at the same time. Yes, siiireeee.

This is the latest amendment to the IRS tax code:

To: All Male Taxpayers

From: Internal Revenue Service

Subject: Increased Tax Payment.

Dear Taxpayers,

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed is your pecker. This is due to

the fact that 50% of the time it is just hanging around unemployed, 25% of

the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and only 5% of

the time it is employed, but on an in-and-out job which operates in a hole.

Furthermore, it has two dependents, and they are both nuts.

However, towards balancing the Federal budget, after March 1, 1996, your

pecker will be taxed based on its size, using the "Pecker Checker Scale"

table listed below. Determine your category and insert the additional

tax under "Other Things", page 3, Part V, line 16 of your standard income

tax return.

Pecker Checker Scale

--------------------

10-12 inches: Luxury Tax .............. $50.00

8-10 inches: Pole Tax .............. $25.00

6-8 inches: Relaxation Tax .............. $15.00

4-6 inches: Nuisance Tax .............. $5.00

NOTES:

------

1) Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a Federal refund because of his

difficult employment situation.

2) Please do not ask for an extension.

3) Males with peckers in excess of 12 inches should file under "Capital

Gains". If unsure of your correct category, call your local IRS office

and we will send out a peter meter reader.

Thanks for your cooperation in our effort to make the US a debt free nation.

If there are any questions regarding this rule, please call 1-800-SUCKERS.

We will have competent personnels available 24-hour a day to make you

satisfied, even for the hardest cases.

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