Estaba un paisa en la China y un chino le dice en tono descrestador:
- Oh, un amigo mio es tan inteligente, que se invento una lampara que
con solo 50 cms de grande, ilumina todo Pekin.
Y el paisa indignado dice:
- No pues, en mi pais, el presidente, con un culo de 20 cm, tiene cagado
el pais y que pues!!!
The Pope and a Cardinal are sitting on the Vatican steps, the Pope is
doing a crossword puzzle, the Cardinal sipping tea. The Pope turned to the
Cardinal and asked "Do you know a four letter word for a woman ending with
'u' 'n' 't'?" the Cardinal paused a moment sipped his tea and said "Aunt".
The Pope, looked down then asked "do you have an eraser?"
SUBJECT: YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF:
IF YOU INTRODUCE YOUR WIFE AS - MYLADY@HOME.WIFE
IF YOUR SPOUSE SENDS YOU AN E-MAIL INSTEAD OF CALLING YOU TO DINNER
IF YOU CAN QUOTE SCENES FORM ANY MONTY PYTHON MOVIE
IF YOU WANT AN 8X CDROM FOR CHRISTMAS
IF DILBERT IS YOUR HERO
IF YOU STARE AT AN ORANGE JUICE CONTAINER BECAUSE IT SAYS CONCENTRATE
IF YOU CAN NAME 6 STAR TREK EPISODES
IF THE ONLY JOKES YOU RECEIVE ARE THROUGH E-MAIL
IF YOUR WRIST WATCH HAS MORE COMPUTING POWER THAN A 486DX-50
IF YOUR IDEA OF GOOD INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION MEANS GETTING THE
DECIMAL POINT IN THE RIGHT PLACE
IF YOU LOOK FORWARD TO CHRISTMAS ONLY TO PUT TOGETHER THE KID'S TOYS
IF YOU USE A CAD PACKAGE TO DESIGN YOUR SON'S PINE WOOD DERBY CAR
IF YOU HAVE USED COAT HANGERS AND DUCT TAPE FOR SOMETHING OTHER THAN
HANGING COATS AND TAPING DUCTS
IF, AT CHRISTMAS IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT YOU WILL BE THE ON TO FIN
THE BURNT OUT BULB IN THE STRING
IF YOU WINDOW SHOP AT RADIO SHACK
IF YOUR IDEAL EVENING CONSISTS OF FAST-FORWARDING THROUGH THE LATEST
SCI-FI MOVIE LOOKING FOR TECHNICAL INACCURACIES
IF YOU HAVE DILBERT COMICS DISPLAYED ANYWHERE IN YOUR WORK AREA
IF YOU CARRY ON A ONE HOUR DEBATE OVER THE EXPECTED RESULT OF A TEST
THAT ACTUALLY TAKES FIVE MINUTES TO RUN
IF YOU ARE CONVINCED YOU CAN BUILD A PHAZER OUT OF YOUR GARAGE DOOR
OPENER AND YOUR CAMERA'S FLASH ATTACHMENT
IF YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE COVER TO YOUR PERSONAL COMPUTER IS
IF YOU HAVE MODIFIED YOUR CAN-OPENER TO BE MICROPROCESSOR DRIVEN
IF YOU KNOW THE DIRECTION THE WATER SWIRLS WHEN YOU FLUSH
IF YOU OWN OFFICIAL STAR TREK ANYTHING
IF YOU HAVE IVER TAKEN THE BACK OFF YOUR TV JUST TO SEE WHAT'S INSIDE
IF A TEAM OF YOU AND YOUR CO-WORKERS HAVE SET OUT TO MODIFY THE
ANTENNA ON THE RADIO IN YOUR WORK AREA FOR BETTER RECEPTION
IF YOU THOUGHT THE CONCOCTION ET USED TO PHONE HOME WAS STUPID
IF YOU EVER BURNED DOWN THE GYMNASIUM WITH YOUR SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT
IF YOU ARE CURRENTLY GATHERING THE COMPONENTS TO BUILD YOUR OWN
IF YOU OWN ONE OR MORE WHITE SHORT-SLEEVED DRESS SHIRTS
IF YOU ARE AWARE THAT COMPUTERS ARE ACTUALLY ONLY GOOD FOR PLAYING
GAMES, BUT ARE AFRAID TO SAY IT OUT LOUD
IF YOU TRULY BELIEVE ALIENS ARE LIVING AMONG US
IF YOU HAVE EVER SAVED THE POWER CORD FROM A BROKEN APPLIANCE
IF YOU HAVE EVER PURCHASED AN ELECTRONIC APPLIANCE AS IS
IF YOU SEE A GOOD DESIGN AND STILL HAVE TO CHANGE IT
IF THE SALES PEOPLE AT CIRCUIT CITY CAN'T ANSWER ANY OF YOUR QUESTIONS
IF YOU OWN A SLIDE RULE AND YOU KNOW HOW TO WORK IT
IF THE THOUGHT THAT A CD COULD REFER TO FINANCE OR MUSIC NEVER ENTERS
IF YOU OWN A SET OF ITTY-BITTY SCREW DRIVERS, BUT YOU DON'T REMEMBER
WHERE THEY ARE
IF YOU ROTATE YOUR SCREEN SAVERS MORE FREQUENTLY THAN YOUR TIRES
IF YOU HAVE A FUNCTIONING HOME COPIER MACHINE, BUT EVERY TOASTER YOU
OWN TURNS BREAD INTO CHARCOAL
IF YOU HAVE MORE TOYS THAN YOUR KIDS
IF YOU NEED A CHECKLIST TO TURN ON THE TV
IF YOU HAVE INTRODUCED YOUR KIDS BY THE WRONG NAME
IF YOUR WIFE THINKS YOUR TASTE IN TIES IS BIZARRE
IF YOU HAVE A HABIT OF DESTROYING THINGS IN ORDER TO SEE HOW THEY WORK
IF YOUR IQ NUMBER IS BIGGER THAN YOUR WEIGHT
IF THE MICROPHONE OR VISUAL AIDS AT A MEETING DON'T WORK AND YOU RUSH
UP TO THE FRONT TO FIX IT
IF YOU CAN REMEMBER 7 COMPUTER PASSWORDS BUT NOT YOUR ANNIVERSARY
IF YOU HAVE MEMORIZED THE PROGRAM SCHEDULE FOR THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL
AND HAVE SEEN MOST OF THE SHOWS ALREADY
IF YOU HAVE EVER OWNED A CALCULATOR WITH NO EQUAL KEY AND KNOW WHAT
RPN STANDS FOR
IF YOU KNOW HOW TO TAKE THE COVER OFF YOUR COMPUTER, AND WHAT SIZE
SCREWDRIVER TO USE
IF YOU CAN TYPE 70 WORDS PER MINUTE BUT CAN'T READ YOUR OWN
IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE YOU PARKED YOUR CAR FOR THE 3RD TIME THIS
IF PEOPLE HOUND YOU FOR POCKET PROTECTORS AT HALLOWEEN TIME
IF YOU DID THE SOUND SYSTEM FOR YOUR SENIOR PROM
IF YOUR CHECKBOOK ALWAYS BALANCES
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND SAYS THE WAY YOU DRESS IS NO REFLECTION ON HER
IF YOUR WRISTWATCH HAS MORE BUTTONS THAN A TELEPHONE
IF YOU HAVE MORE FRIEDS ON THE INTERNET THAN IN REAL LIFE
IF YOU THOUGHT THE HEROES OF APOLLO 13 WERE THE MISSION CONTROLLERS
IF YOU THINK YOUR COMPUTER LOOKS BETTER WITHOUT THE COVER
IF YOU THINK THAT WHEN PEOPLE AROUND YOU YAWN, ITS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T
GET ENOUGH SLEEP
IF YOUR WIFE HASN'T THE FOGGIEST IDEA WHAT YOU DO AT WORK
IF YOU SPEND MORE ON YOUR HOME COMPUTER THAN YOUR CAR
IF YOU KNOW WHAT HTTP:/ STANDS FOR
IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO REPAIR A $5.00 RADIO
IF YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE 6 OCLOCK NEWS IS COMPARING THEIR LATEST
SATELLITE WEATHER PICTURES WITH YOURS
IF YOUR THREE YEAR OLD SON ASKS WHY THE SKY IS BLUE AND YOU TRY TO
EXPLAIN ATMOSPHERIC ABSORPTION THEORY
IF YOUR LAP TOP COMPUTER COSTS MORE THAN YOUR CAR
IF YOUR 4 BASIC FOOD GROUPS ARE 1: CAFFEINE 2. FAT 3.SUGAR 4.
The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which
somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation.
WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a
new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.
Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box.
The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will
automatically be closed and the virus will be activated
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been
installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered.
Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the
system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available
Subject: FWD: Engineers and Islands...
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean
for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his
life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not
last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of
an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person,
no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some
bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and
forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four
months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to
the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and
looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his
eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner
of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman
he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall,
tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an
almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and
yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed
on this island when my cruise ship sank"
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How
many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must
have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up,
nothing else did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the
island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree
branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did
you do that?"
"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the
island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed.
I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln,
it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools,
and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that,
she said. Where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been
sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got
into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the
approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully
woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm
tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please,
would you like to have a drink?"
"No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still,
how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued
amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman
asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and
even on the cruise ship".
"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs
in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer
questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in
the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a
swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down
"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip
into something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short
time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically
positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long
time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been
lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that
all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to
have right now."
"Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman
while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you
happen to have an Internet connection?"
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of
almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on
his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing
"Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...
Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
"Not a problem...after 25 years in the computer business, I can do
that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin, too."
Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people.
I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at
these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone
for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what
should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just
gonna be the two of us."
+ To: acton-talk
+ Subject: Answering Machine Messages
+ Some Interesting answering machine announcements:
+ My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
+ leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
+ we're finished.
+ A is for academics,
+ B is for beer.
+ One of those reasons is why we're not here.
+ So leave a message.
+ Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent
+ the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
+ are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
+ money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
+ female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
+ (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
+ Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a
+ veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
+ it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
+ in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath
+ sounded. Thou must leave a message.
+ Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
+ Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
+ Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
+ silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
+ The New EEC Language
+ Having chosen English as the preferred language in the European
+ Economic Community, the European Parliament has commissioned a
+ feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications
+ between Government departments.
+ European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
+ necessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through
+ and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes
+ to iron out these anomalies. The program would, of course, be
+ administered by a committee staff at top level by participating
+ In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using
+ 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities
+ would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be
+ replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only
+ would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but
+ typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
+ There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould
+ be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written
+ 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter
+ in print.
+ In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
+ expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
+ possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters
+ which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
+ We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag
+ is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and
+ writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four
+ years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps
+ sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w'
+ kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly
+ after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining
+ 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
+ Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
+ sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,
+ difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
+ Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
-+This message has been approved for distribution to this alias by nobody+-
The following announcement was made today Monday, April 1, 1996.
SUN ANNOUNCES THE WINNERS OF JAVA-CUP INTERNATIONAL
Bill Gates tops the winners of Java-cup international
MENLO PARK, California, USA --- April 1, 1996 -- Sun announces the winners of
3-month long Java-cup international contest. "Over 5 million people joined
the contest, and millions of Java applets were created", Eric Schmidt,
Sun's Chief Technology Officer, told the press,"Obviously, the contest is a
great success. We pay much less than we got! "
Bill Gates, who wrote a Java-applet which acts similar to Microsoft Office,
tops the winners. The other winners include former president George Bush,
who wrote a Java-applet which simulates Gulf war, and rocky star Michael
Jackson, who wrote a Java-applet which allows people enjoy pop music
on the internet.
"Cool! ", Bill Gates said in his award-winning speech, "I have never felt
so cool! "
"I wish we had Java 4 years ago, ", George Bush commented, "I could have
won the election with the applet I created."
Michael Jackson was not able to attend the ceremony, but he sent a short
telegram to the meeting, "I would like to trade my name with Java. "
For more details about the winners and how to download the winning applets,
please contact Javalady at Javasoft (X99999).
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears
like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes
straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns
him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is
driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by
the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this
just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy
gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and
scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts
loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into
the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets
_very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to
think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of
silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation
that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way,
what did the chicken do?"