AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else (Ken Shields view)
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind
Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's
Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
There is this ship that goes out to sea and crashes. 6 (1 woman and 5 men)
people survive and use a safety raft to float to a deserted island.
After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really
lonely, sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement: each man
will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week,
then the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for
five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the
woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!!!! The first week is
pretty bad, the second week is is still pretty bad, the third week it's getting
worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, the fifth week it is
just awful, it's getting so bad, soooooo...on the sixth week.
They bury her.
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his
rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so
good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes
a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks
the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the
house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.Then
he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll
give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my
wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another
look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do
that with one shot!"
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it.
I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't
mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it.
I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my
sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not
finding his mother in the kitchen or the living room, he heads
upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had
also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother,
also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if
nothing was wrong.
Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can
I climb on and have a horsey ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts
moaning and writhing wildly.
"Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman
usually fall off!"
> Subject: A typical day in the life of a UNIX user
>
> unzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ; sleep
>
A Guide To Software Revisions
Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each
software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that
this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in
reality there's substantially more information available through the rev
code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the
meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.
% 1.0:
Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to
release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the
marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll
find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation
has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.
% 1.1:
We fixed all the killer bugs ...
% 1.2:
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had
to fix them, too.
% 2.0:
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you,
it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.
% 2.1:
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so
we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time,
so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these
bugs.
% 2.2:
Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't
believe how much trouble it caused!
% 2.3:
Some anal-retentive pain in the ass found a deep-seated bug that's been
there since 1.0 and has been raising hell until we fixed it.
% 3.0:
Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are
really happy with this.
% 3.1:
Of course we did break a few little things.
% 4.0:
More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need
to get memory and a faster processor ...
% 4.1:
Just one or two bugs this time. Honest.
% 5.0:
We really need to go on to a new product but we have an installed base
out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.
% 6.0:
We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's
been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a
major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we
could justify the major upgrade number.
% 6.1:
Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who
works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made
are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was
getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept
complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're
talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for
as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as
good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be
sheer luck if no one loses the.....................
Credit: Anonymous ..../ Thanks to the NET!
While this Eskimo is driving in Alaska, suddenly, his car starts to putter.
He barely makes it to the next town, and tells the mechanic about his problem.
The mechanic agrees to check the car out while the Eskimo is having lunch at
the diner across the street. An hour later, the Eskimo returns, anxious about
the diagnosis. The mechanic looks at him and says, "Well, looks like you blew
a seal." The Eskimo swiftly wipes his mouth with his hand and replies, "No,
that's just mayonnaise."
Ciao!
Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his
body. One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body when he
noticed that he was sun-tanned over his entire body except for his
penis. He decided to do something about it. He promtly went to the
beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for
his penis
Just as he settled in, two little old ladies were strolling along the
sand, one had a cane in hand. Upon seeing this THING sticking out of
the sand, the lady with the cane began to move it about with her
walking stick. She then remarked to the other old lady, "There ain't
hardly no justice in this world Emma."
"Why ya say that Martha?" the other replied.
"Well... when I was 20, I was CURIOUS about it, when I was 30, I
ENJOYED it. When I was 40 I ASKED for it and when I was 50 I PAYED for
it. When I was 60 I PRAYED for it and when I was 70 I FORGOT about
it."
"What's your point Martha?" lady #2 said in anticipation.
"Now I'm 80, the damn things are growin' wild and I'm too old to
SQUAT!"
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in
his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg
in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw
the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman
and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family
we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the
balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me
in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever
gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest
pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran
toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony
for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick
you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep th' daam egg."
MARRIAGE & MEN
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow
has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married
the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and
the woman gets her master's.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most
countries, son.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the
man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up
with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifiers: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman
replied, "A multi-millionaire".
> I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
> nervous and give the wrong answers.
> -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
> A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your
> mother.
> What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from
> the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
> -- Richard Harkness,
> The New York Times, 1960
> Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago:
> "Of all the radio stations in Chicago ... we're one of them."
> The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it
> work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much
> will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,
> "Do you want fries with that?"
> I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a
> vegetarian because I hate plants.
> -- A. Whitney Brown
> A great many people think they are thinking when they are
> merely rearranging their prejudices.
>
> -- William James
> When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir
> cevinpl.
>> Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to
> learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for
> their apparent disinclination to do so.
> -- Douglas Adams,
> Last Chance to See
> As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
> important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're
> paying me so much money. What's important is that you
> continue to do so.
>
> -- Hunter S. Thompson's
> Samoan Attorney
> When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an
> atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but
> is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants
> in whom you don't believe?"
>
> -- Quentin Crisp
> Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make
> violent revolution inevitable.
> -- John F. Kennedy
> Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
> Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I
> predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some
> vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon
> whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
> On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor
> Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
> To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is
> the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
> Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts
> avoiding you.
> -- Old Farmer's Almanac
> The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the
> brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other
> functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1.
> fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating.
> -- Psychology professor in
> neuropsychology intro course
> And you thought you were having a bad day ...
>
>"Response to a wildfire on the south of France's Cote d'Azur
>was billed as a marvel of modern fire-fighting technology. Two
>specially-built flying boats zoomed in, skimmed the waters of
>the Mediterranean, scooping vast amounts of water into their
>belly tanks, and then dropped the water on the hillside fire.
>
>All was jolly and the wine flowed freely until a body was found
>in the ashes. "The coroner found that the gentleman had
>apparently fallen from a great height, suffering serious
>injuries before being burned to death. The report further
>noted that the victim was wearing a bathing suit, snorkel, and
>swim fins."
>
On a train, Smith, Robinson and Jones are the Fireman, Brakeman and the
engineer, but NOT respectively. Also aboard are three businessmen who have the
same names: a Mr. Smith, A Mr. Robinson and a Mr. Jones.
1) Mr. Robinson lives in Detroit
2) the brakeman lives exactly halfway between Chicago and Detroit.
3) Mr. Jones earns exactly $20,000.00 per year
4) The brakeman's nearest neighbor, one of the passengers, earns exactly trhee
times as much as the brakeman.
5) Smith beats the fireman at billiards
6) The passenger whose name is the same as the brakemans lives in Chicago
Who is the Engineer?
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually
mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred
banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic
geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork
I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending
the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other
guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon
of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date
you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same
building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and
unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it
actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you
in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex
with. It's that male perspective thing)
--------------------------
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it
actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're ugly.)
+ Sometime in 1999:
+
+ "Hello. This is Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online customer
+ service. May I help you?"
+
+ "Yes, I'd like to report a problem with my telephone."
+
+ "Our records show you don't have local phone service through us."
+
+ "How'd you know who I am? I didn't give you my name."
+
+ "We have ways."
+
+ "Well, I'm pretty sure you have my phone service."
+
+ "Our records show you have long-distance, cellular, satellite TV,
+ Internet access and your MasterCard through us. Your phone
+ service must be through one of the other three big communications
+ companies. Have you looked at your bill?"
+
+ "My bill is 134 pages long."
+
+ "Oh, you're one of our light users. But we'd be happy to become
+ your local phone provider. If you sign up, you get one-third off
+ long-distance calls made on your cellular phone to friends and
+ family members who have an Internet home page."
+
+ "It's tempting, but I just want my phone fixed."
+
+ "Fine, sir. Just a reminder: Next time you need to contact us,
+ try our Internet site. And when you get there, you can sign up
+ for a free showing, through your satellite TV system, of Hamlet
+ starring Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online CEO Ray
+ Smith."
+
+ "Thanks. Goodbye."
+
+ Click. Dial. Ring.
+
+ "Good morning! This is SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars."
+
+ "Little Caesars? You do pizza?"
+
+ "You buy it over phone lines. It's content. Would you like one? You
+ get a medium with two toppings when you order HBO on cable."
+
+ "Uh, no. I called because my phone line isn't working right."
+
+ "I see. Do you have your phone over your cable line or do you have
+ your phone over a phone line."
+
+ "A phone line, I think."
+
+ "OK, then that's not SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little
+ Caesars. My file shows that you get cable TV and video games on
+ demand from us, but in your area, we only offer phone service
+ over cable lines. If you use a phone line, it must be one of the
+ other companies."
+
+ "Thanks. I'll call them."
+
+ "And sir? We're testing some new products in your area. We're
+ offering electric service and natural gas service for 10% less
+ than the public utilities. One-stop shopping. We want to provide
+ you with everything that comes into your house and connects to a
+ device or appliance."
+
+ "No, thanks. Bye."
+
+ Click. Dial. Ring.
+
+ "Hello. Endorphin Enterprises."
+
+ "I'm sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number."
+
+ "You're probably in the right place. We just changed our name. We
+ used to be US West-UUNet-Universal Pictures-Ameritech, but that
+ got pretty cumbersome. I guess they wanted to call it UUUUSA, but
+ then decided to start fresh. So we're Endorphin Enterprises."
+
+ "Clever."
+
+ "Personally, I thought we should call ourselves Youse Guys. Get it?"
+
+ "Yeah, that's good. Um, I was calling because my phone line doesn't
+ seem to work right."
+
+ "Ohhhhh. What services do you have with us?"
+
+ "I'm not sure."
+
+ "We offer everything: local, long-distance, cellular, cable TV,
+ satellite TV, Internet access, music on demand and so on. But so
+ does everybody else these days."
+
+ "Yes, well, it's gotten a little confusing. I've already called those
+ two other companies with long names."
+
+ "Oh, right. OK, see, it looks like you don't have anything at all
+ with us. Now, we could make your life easier by giving you all
+ the services so you'd know who to call. Except in your area, we
+ only offer movies on demand over the Internet, so that could be a
+ problem."
+
+ "No, really, I just want to get my phone fixed."
+
+ "My guess is you must have your local phone service through AT&T.
+ That's the only other company left in the business."
+
+ "OK, I'll try AT&T."
+
+ Click. Dial. Ring.
+
+ "Hello. AT&T. Bob Allen speaking."
+
+ "Bob Allen? The chairman? I'm sorry. I wanted customer service."
+
+ "No problem. Hold on a moment."
+
+ Pause. Rustling sounds.
+
+ "Hello. Customer service. Bob Allen speaking."
+
+ "Mr. Allen, I really just wanted customer service."
+
+ "This is it. We spun off everything but my office. It goes
+ totally against the megamerger trend. Our shareholders love
+ it. I'm getting paid $55 billion this year."
+
+ "Well, sir, my phone line doesn't work right, and I think I need
+ someone to come fix it."
+
+ "Be right there, as soon as I can find my tool belt."
+ When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days
+ later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some
+ strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified,
+ the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent
+ close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming
+ from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
+ When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a
+ moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played
+ backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth
+ Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate
+ kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly
+ the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up
+ and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow
+ citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Here's a strange thing I observed in a brothel in New Orleans last weekend.
A Koala bear was going down on a prostitute all night. At the end of the
night the koala bear put on his clothes and opened the door to leave. The
protitute said, "You haven't paid me yet." Seeing that the Koala was
confused she pulled out her dictionary and pointed out the definition of a
Prostitute. One who has sex and gets paid. So the bear turned to the
definition of a koala. One who eats bush and leaves.
+ Subject: FWD: Humor: The dangers of thinking
+
+ It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and
+ then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and
+ soon I was more than just a social thinker.
+
+ I began to think alone -"to relax," I told myself - but I knew it
+ wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and
+ finally I was thinking all the time.
+
+ I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment
+ don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
+
+ I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and
+ Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,
+ "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
+
+ Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had
+ turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She
+ spent that night at her mother's.
+
+ I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called
+ me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but
+ your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking
+ on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to
+ think about.
+
+ I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
+ confessed, "I've been thinking..."
+
+ "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
+
+ "But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
+
+ "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as
+ college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if
+ you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
+
+ "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
+ I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped
+ out the door.
+
+ I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS
+ station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the
+ big glass doors...they didn't open. The library was closed.
+
+ To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that
+ night.
+
+ As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
+ Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking
+ ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It
+ comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
+
+ Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss
+ a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last
+ week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided
+ thinking since the last meeting.
+
+ I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just
+ seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
+
> A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is
> having a nightmare. The man wakes him and asks his son what's wrong.
> The son replies he is scared because he dreamed that Auntie Susie had
> died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to
> bed.
>
> The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
>
> One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
> goodnight. His son is having another nightmare; the man again wakes his
> son. The son this time says that he had dreamed that granddaddy had
> died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him
> to bed.
>
> The next day, granddaddy dies.
>
> One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
> goodnight. His son is having another nightmare; the man again wakes
> him. The son this time says that he had dreamed that his daddy had
> died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
>
> The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The
> next day, the man is scared for his life-- he is sure he is going to die.
>
> After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.
> He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids
> everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every
> noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
>
> Upon walking in his front door that night, he sees his wife. "Good God,
> Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
>
> She responds, "You think your day was bad--the milkman dropped dead on
> the doorstep this morning".
> A woman is in bed with a man who is not her husband when they hear the
> click of a key in the front door.
>
> "Quick" she says "into the wardrobe"
>
> Her husband enters the bedroom and she invites him into the bed. "I must
> just hang my suit in the wardrobe first"
>
> He opens the wardrobe and espies a naked man making odd sort of
> clapping gestures. "Ah... good evening" the naked man says introducing
> himself "Council Pest Control Officer. Your wife reported an infestation
> of moths. I seem to have got them all now"
>
> "But you have no clothes on" said the husband.
>
> "BASTARDS!"
> > The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years
> >ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus
> >final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher (unlike our
> >beloved professor Bonk) wasn't very well liked. He was one of those
> >guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time
> >was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so
> >busy galavanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that
> >everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their
> >failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed
> >tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a
> >mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class.
> > Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the
> >test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with
> >Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this prof standing in
> >the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests
> >had to be handed in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to
> >assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor
> >said "pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at
> >the front of the room".
> > Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into
> >fourty...almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our
> >friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the
> >front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor
> >sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to
> >complete his exam.
> >
> >
> > "What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the
> > student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of
> > the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of
> > time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited) It was clear
> > that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.
> >
> > "Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.
> >
> > "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the profesor
> > gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it and,
> > consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my course."
> >
> > The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know
> > who I am?"
> >
> > "What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the
> > student showed no sign of emotion.
> >
> > The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know
> > what my name is?"
> >
> > "NO", snarled the professor.
> >
> > The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said
> > slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the
> > stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the
> > stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned
> > around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.
>
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this
bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila
shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off.
Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the entire
process.
This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the
better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep
drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're
back again. How do you do it?"
"Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the
ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try
it."
The guy, who was also quite drunk out of his gourd, thought to himself,
"Hey, why not?" So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then
walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, SPLAT!
The bartender shakes his head, looks over at the first guy and says,
"Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
Bob complained to his friend "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should
see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a
computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and
cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the
computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about
it. It only costs $10.00."
Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in
the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some
noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if
this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and
urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he
masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store,
located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following
analysis:
Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs,
Put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant
It ain't yours -- get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better.
+ > From an ex-field sales/support survivor:
+ >
+ > I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman
+ > call in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of
+ > trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
+ >
+ > Service Rep: Sir, something has burnt within your power supply.
+ >
+ > Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the
+ > Autoexec.bat that will take care of this.
+ >
+ > Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you
+ > with this problem.
+ >
+ > Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in...
+ > some command... maybe it should go into the Config.sys.
+ >
+ > [After a few minutes of going round and round]
+ >
+ > Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there
+ > is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you
+ > to edit your Autoexec.bat and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot
+ > your computer.
+ >
+ > [Customer does this]
+ >
+ > Customer: It is still smoking.
+ >
+ > Service Rep: I guess you need to call MicroSoft and ask them for a
+ > patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
+ >
+ > [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of
+ > this guy but NO... he calls back four hours later]
+ >
+ > Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?
+ >
+ > Customer: I call MicroSoft and they said that my Power Supply is
+ > incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I
+ > was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost...
What does the UnaBomber have in common with Hillbilly girls?
They've both been fingered by their own family!
ATTRACTION The act of associating horniness with a particular
person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
DATING The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in
the future.
BIRTH CONTROL Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating
repulsive men.
EASY A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a
man.
EYE CONTACT A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a
man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so,
many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has
some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted
to by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do
all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT What the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months
together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.
SOBER Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed two weeks but
nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the
$100. When the postal authorities received the letter GOD USA, they decided
to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched,
and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00
bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money
to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you
note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money,
however, I noticed that for some reason you had to
send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those
bastards deducted $95.00.
Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product
for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden
opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I
had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates'
vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and
needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu.
"Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At
random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could
spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal.
("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our
diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish
a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of
change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank
account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the
program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has
not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard
Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the
next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out.
Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which
will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy
ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison.
"I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for
change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."
Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General
pandemonium then ensued.
> A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at =20
> the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes =20
> over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted =20
> with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top =20
> of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the =20
> bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and =20
> completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few =20
> minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at =20
> him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a =20
> graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to =20
> embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his =20
> lungs, "What do you mean $200?"=20