WHAT DID ONE ALLIGATOR SAY TO ANOTHER ALLIGATOR AFTER THE VALUJET CRASH?
"For a discount airline, this food ain't too bad!"
Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible D.U.I. violators, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.
One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible. "Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy"
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.
Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!" Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Sure", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
Engineer VS Programers
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
Management in Corporate America
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged.
Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.
The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
- ---- -----------
Modem What landscapers do to dem lawns.
Token Ring A virtual engagement gift.
Ethernet A device for catching the Ether Bunny.
Asynch A place to wash your hands.
BBS Tall tales told by insects that produce honey.
ASCII Ancient god of Telecommunications. Rumored to give vast amounts of data to believers. Hence, the phrase "ASCII and you shall receive."
Block Parity One heck of a good time.
Carrier Detect Raison d'etre for premarital blood tests.
File Transfer Procedure followed by INFORMATION CENTER staff
who are tired of their present jobs.
Hayes Compatible Prone to riding with a grizzled old cowhand who sings off-key. Gene Autry is the industry standard.
Serial Interface A spoon. Goes great with Cheerios.
Terminal Emulation A function performed by a canary that lies on its back with its legs in the air.
XMODEM A device on the losing end of a lightning encounter.
Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in
1.Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.
2.Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3.Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty Bag.
4.Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or "Naw".
5.Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
6.The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse.
7.Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunken redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8.Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart.
9.PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10.Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++".
11.Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
12.Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.
13.Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
14.New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now! Hear?".
15.Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
16.Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
17.Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse.
18.Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver.
19.Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire.
20.Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard.
21.Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
22.Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates!
DR. SEUSS' LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS
-- 21 Books Stan Geisel never wrote...
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo -- Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I've Fallen -- And I Can't Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch's Ten Inches
Four surgeon's were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass's are interchangeable."
Top 20 valujet slogans
1. ValuJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.=20
2. ValuJet: We're Amtrak with wings.=20
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.=20
4. On certain flights, every section is a smoking section.=20
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.=20
6. Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. You think it's so easy, get your own damn plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. ValuJet: We may be landing on your street.
15. ValuJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks.
We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best= pilots.
19. Fly ValuJet. Find out if there really is a God.
20. ValuJet: A real man lands where he wants to.
And now for a moment of truth... :-)
Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
WHY GOD DOES NOT HAVE A PH.D
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referenced journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
Subject: Democrat or Republican?
An elderly gentleman wanted to go into town for voting day.
As his car was in the shop, he had to hitchhike the five miles into town.
Sticking out his thumb, he was picked up by a young man.
"Where ya goin', Gramps?" the man asked cheerfully.
"I'm going in town to vote."
"Great! How're ya votin'?"
"I'm voting Democrat," the elder answered.
The young man immediately pulled over to the curb, and kicked out the man.
Sticking out his thumb, he was picked up by an older fellow like himself.
"Going into town to vote, are you? Which way are you voting?"
"Well, I'm voting Democrat..."
Once again, he was driven to the curb and kicked out.
He stuck out his thumb again, and this time was picked up by a voluptuous woman in a sports car. She was delighted to hear that he was going into town to vote. She asked him his political choice.
"Well, I'm going to vote... Republican. Yeah, Republican!"
"Wonderful!" she said, " I'm glad to hear that!"
As they drove, he couldn't help but notice that her skirt was riding up her leg, exposing her various charms. He stared for a while, then burst into laughter.
"What's so funny?" the woman asked?
"Well, I've only been a Republican for five minutes, and already I feel like fucking someone!!"
On a piece of paper draw one large circle and a smaller cicle.
Two guys found themselves up in front of a judge for drug crimes.
The judge says " Guys, our prison system is full so I will make you a deal. For all of the people you get to stop using drugs I will reduce your time in months.You get 1 month to do this.
The bad guys agreed.
1 month later they were in front of the judge again. The judge asks the 1st guy how he did.
The 1st guy replies " Your Honor, I'm happy to say I got 40 people off drugs!
The judge says "Great, how did you do it"?
The 1st guy says " I drew these circles and ( pointing to the larger circle) I say this is your brain without drugs and (pointing to the smaller circle) this is your brain when you use drugs"
The judge was very happy and he asks the 2nd guy his results.
The 2nd guy say he got 4000 people from using drugs.
4000!asks the judge How did you do it?
The 2nd guy says " I used the same principle as the 1st guy but I said (pointing to the smaller circle) This is your ass-hole before you get sent to prison for drug use and (pointing to the larger circle) this is your ass-hole after you've been to prison.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..." The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.
"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."
Some rules to live by:
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
....Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<-------- The information went data way -------->
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
.... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."